Mr Hitman
by innocentkiss
Summary: Jigen would never take money to kill a man, RIGHT? Then why is this story called Mr. Hitman!?
1. Sanctuary!

=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=  
  
"MR. HITMAN"  
  
-Fanfiction by innocentkiss [innocentkiss84@yahoo.com]  
  
-Lupin is © Monkey Punch, TMS, and other companies   
  
=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=  
  
[NOTE: Yes, I know that "Mr. Hitman" is a dumb name for a story. I'll change it later when I think of something more kick-@$$. =P ]  
  
CHAPTER 1: SANCTUARY!!!  
  
"Thieves like us have no business being here," Fujiko said.  
  
"I'm just going inside for five seconds," Jigen responded.  
  
"You're going to die the minute you step inside!" Lupin said, pressing his hands on the side of his head. "You'll get struck by lightning! You'll disintegrate! GOD HATES CRIMINALS."  
  
"Jesus Christ, Lupin--" began Jigen.  
  
"Don't take the name of the Lord in vain, God hates when you do that."  
  
"You guys can wait outside if you want. In fact I insist you wait outside."  
  
Jigen walked inside the church and looked around. Lupin poked his head inside the door, saw that Jigen was still alive, and closed the door with a half-relieved, half-disappointed look on his face. Lupin now felt free to use the name of the Lord in vain as much as he wanted to.  
  
The church was absolutely silent. It was sometime in the afternoon and the only light came from the sunlight through the stained glass windows.  
  
Jigen took a quarter out of his pocket and put it in the little collection box by the row of prayer candles. He took a match from the matchbook and instead of lighting a prayer candle he lit his cigarette.  
  
"Smoking in church, Jigen? That'll be fifty Our Fathers..."  
  
Jigen turned to the woman who was talking to him. "I'm collecting for the poor little children in some African nation." He held out his hand and rubbed his thumb and index finger together.  
  
The woman looked through her pocketbook. "It's this easy?" she said, pausing.  
  
"Ask and you shall recieve."  
  
The woman eagerly filled Jigen's outstretched hand with American paper currency. Jigen closed his fist on it and jammed the money in his pocket.   
  
"I hope that helps the AFRICAN CHILDREN," said the woman, winking.   
  
Just then Lupin ran inside the church with Fujiko. "SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!!!!!!!!!!!" he was yelling. He had his hands thrown up in the air. An extremely irritated Fujiko bolted the doors of the church.  
  
There were police sirens sounding outside, plus the sound of car doors opening and slamming shut, and then footsteps running up to the church.  
  
"What the hell did you do now, Lupin?" Jigen said.  
  
"Nothing of course," said Lupin with an innocent smile. He folded his hands in prayer and looked heavenward to see if he had a halo on top of his head (which he didn't).  
  
Someone outside was struggling to open the doors of the church.   
  
"Wh--what? The police? Oh no, I can't, this can't be--" the woman who had just paid Jigen a large sum of money began crying.   
  
"They're not here for you, lady," Jigen said.  
  
"ARRRRRGH. He locked the doors!" screamed the cop who was struggling with the door.   
  
Through the stained glass in the door, everyone could blurrily make out the angular shadow of a hat-wearing police inspector.  
  
"It's Pops!!!" Lupin said joyously, recognizing the cop's voice and shadow. "Praise Jesus!" He and Fujiko ran into the church's sacristy.  
  
"Hide if you know what's good for you," Jigen told the crying woman. She ran into the sacristy as well.  
  
"READY MEN?" Pops (Inspector Zenigata) was yelling outside.  
  
"YES SIR!"  
  
"On my count! 1... 2... 3!!!"  
  
SMASH!!!!!! A battering ram, five cops, and Inspector Zenigata smashed through the stained glass in the front door of the church.   
  
The glass crunched underneath Zenigata's feet. He panted, using one hand to hold up his gun and the other to wipe sweat off his forehead with a handkerchief (that had polka dots on it).   
  
"Lupin?" he called out uncertainly.  
  
"...as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. World without end, amen."  
  
Zenigata turned to see who was praying and saw Jigen kneeling in one of the church benches, his head bent solemnly and a pearly white rosary dangling from his fists. His fedora lay on the bench beside him.  
  
Jigen made the sign of the cross, then turned. "Oh, good afternoon, Pops."   
  
"Don't 'good afternoon Pops' me. Where's Lupin?"  
  
"No Lupin here. Just the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." Jigen indicated the crucifix at the front of the church.  
  
"Yeah right!" said Zenigata. "Wherever Lupin goes, you go. You're here. Where's Lupin?"  
  
Jigen gritted his teeth. "I'M HERE ALONE. CAN'T A MAN PRAY!"  
  
"Not a man like you, Mr. Hitman," Zenigata said, putting his hands on his hips.  
  
"Excuse me, Inspector," said one of the cops with him. He pointed to the Inspector's hat.  
  
"Oh for cryin' out loud." Zenigata took his hat off. "Happy now?"  
  
The cop solemnly looked at Jigen, whose thumb and index finger were now pressed on one of the beads of the rosary. "You're supposed to say the Hail Mary on that bead."  
  
Jigen made an annoyed sound.  
  
"Put that necklace away and take me to Lupin!" Zenigata pulled Jigen to a standing position by the front of his shirt.  
  
"What's going on here?" A nun emerged from the sacristy. "Oh, my! What happened here?" She looked in horror at the broken stained glass on the floor and the police inspector who was strangling Jigen.  
  
"Police business, ma'am. I'm just ARRRRRRRGHHHH!" The nun hit Zenigata's knuckles with a ruler which caused him to drop Jigen and cry in pain. He ran around in circles shaking his injured hand.  
  
"Jesus Mary and Joseph, what's all the commotion?" said the archbishop, coming out of the sacristy in full religious vestments, including the pope-looking hat. For some strange reason, his voice alternated between an Italian and Irish accent.   
  
"That nun hit me with a ruler," complained Zenigata, pointing with his uninjured hand.   
  
"Like this?" said the archbishop. He took the ruler from the nun and whacked Zenigata's other hand.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAHAHHH," sobbed Zenigata, clutching his hands to his chest. He tripped over his own shoelaces and fell on his face.   
  
His police officers snickered at him.   
  
"STOP LAUGHING YOU MORONS, arrest him!"  
  
"Th-the archbishop?" said one of the cops. "But..."  
  
"THAT'S LUPIN! AND THE NUN IS FUJIKO!" Zenigata screamed.  
  
"I'm Jigen," Jigen said, holding up two fingers.  
  
The archbishop and the nun took off their holy clothes (but kept their street clothes on). Sure enough, it was Lupin and Fujiko. Lupin kept the pope hat on his head while he and Fujiko ran for it.  
  
The cops split up to chase the two around the church. Lupin ran into a confessional.  
  
"Got ya now!" said the cop. He opened the door to the confessional. "Huh?" There was no one in there. He looked around, puzzled.   
  
Lupin dropped from the ceiling of the confessional, holding the archbishop's staff.  
  
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!" He klonked it on the cop's head and then ran around the church twirling it over his head, laughing hysterically.  
  
"There's no doubt about it," Fujiko said, easily taking a cop's stun gun and electrocuting the cop with it. "We're going to hell."  
  
"Hey what's this?" said Lupin, picking up the metal clanging thing that has incense in it. He held it by the chain.   
  
Zenigata finished bandaging his bruised knuckles and then ran after Lupin, who was standing at the altar. Lupin threw the incense thing at Zenigata and it exploded everywhere, creating this huge smoke cloud.  
  
All the cops started coughing. Lupin put the pope-like hat on Zenigata's head, grabbed Fujiko (by the arm), and ran towards the exit to the church. As he ran out the door he pulled $1,000 out of his pocket and stuffed it in the poor box to cover the damage.  
  
Jigen untangled his fingers from the rosary beads, put them in the religious cop's pocket, and went into the sacristy. He found the woman who had paid him earlier and said, "Come on, follow me. Nice and quiet now."  
  
They exited the church and stepped into the sunlight.  
  
Lupin coughed. "That was fun! My favorite part was when we made Zenigata look stupid."  
  
Lupin and Fujiko ran down the street until they were a safe distance away. Jigen started to run after them but the woman was gripping his arm.  
  
"Listen, I have your money. The job is as good as done. GOOD-BYE." Jigen tried to pull her fingers from his arm.  
  
She put her hand over his and kissed him on the cheek. Then she turned and ran away without looking back. 


	2. Truth or Dare?

=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=  
  
"MR. HITMAN"  
  
-Fanfiction by innocentkiss [innocentkiss84@yahoo.com]  
  
-Lupin is © Monkey Punch, TMS, and other companies  
  
=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=  
  
CHAPTER 2: TRUTH OR DARE?  
  
Jigen looked down the scope of a rifle and through the crosshairs. He was lying on his stomach on the roof of a downtown apartment complex. The only sound was the sound of his breathing.  
  
Something rammed into his arm. Jigen scrambled to a sitting position. The gun fired into the sky.  
  
A pigeon. That's what had rammed into his arm. It was now sitting on his hat and getting comfortable.  
  
"Damn pigeon!" said Jigen, stomping up and down and hitting himself in the head until the pigeon flew away.  
  
He breathed deeply until his heartrate returned to a healthy level. Then he lowered himself onto his stomach and took his gun in his arms again.  
  
He watched the passersby through the crosshairs. A jogger huffing and puffing down the street.  
  
A middle-aged woman gripping her child's hand. A businessman carrying a briefcase-- Jigen's trigger finger tightened, then released. Wrong businessman. There are so damn many, Jigen thought.   
  
A woman wearing a miniskirt and a blouse walked by. Her short, stylish dirty-blonde hair bounced on her shoulders. Jigen removed his eye from the scope and watched her. How much she reminded Jigen of a woman who carried $100 bills in her purse, who cried when the cops came, and who pressed her lips on his cheek...  
  
A blur of red, yellow, and black was walking a zigzag pattern in his line of vision. Jigen put his eye back to the scope and saw Lupin, with his well-groomed black hair, his red sportcoat, and his yellow silk tie, walking in an erratic pattern.  
  
Lupin turned to Jigen and waved at him from hundreds of yards away and twenty stories below.  
  
"D'OH," said Jigen. Of course Lupin could detect a sniper from a mile away. Jigen frowned.  
  
Lupin traced a bullseye target on his forehead with his finger and stuck his tongue out at Jigen before continuing on his way.  
  
Jigen chuckled. "Crazy bastard."  
  
Fifteen minutes passed. Jigen continued to lay on his belly, waiting for--  
  
"EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO SEE YOUR FIREARMS LICENSE." A hand clamped down on his shoulder.  
  
"AHHHHHHH!" It was as if an electric current ran through Jigen's body the way he jumped up and threw his rifle fifty feet into the air.  
  
"Jumpy aren't you," said Lupin, catching the rifle before it fell.   
  
"DON'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!" Jigen punched Lupin in the arm. Hard.  
  
Lupin showed no indication that it hurt. "Jigen, this is a sniper rifle."  
  
"No shit, Sherlock."  
  
"Hmm, I was just in the neighborhood and saw you up on that roof over here. I decided to drop by and say hello."  
  
Jigen reached for his rifle but Lupin pulled it out of his grasp. "I thought you didn't do jobs like this anymore." He closed one eye and peeked down the barrel of the gun.  
  
"What, I'm not allowed to work for anyone besides you? I didn't sign any contract."  
  
"Think fast!" Lupin tossed the weapon back into Jigen's hands. "I didn't say you couldn't do whatever you want. I just saw my buddy all alone on a cold evening in May and I wanted to keep him company."  
  
"Go AWAY."  
  
Lupin lay on his stomach and held his face in his hands. He bent one of his legs at a 90-degree angle and looked a lot like a teenage girl at a sleepover. He clearly was not going anywhere.  
  
"You can stay, but--but--" Jigen stammered.  
  
"I'll be good."  
  
Jigen flopped down next to him.   
  
"Truth or dare!" said Lupin.  
  
"Tch," said Jigen.  
  
"Do you have a crush on anyone?" said Lupin, as if Jigen had actually responded.   
  
Jigen exhaled loudly through his mouth, which created a growling noise in the back of his throat.  
  
"OK, dare. I dare you to shoot that fat guy who just walked out of the donut shop."  
  
Jigen suddenly sprang to attention. He fished around in his pocket frantically.  
  
"Here." Lupin dangled a photograph of a fat guy in a business suit in front of Jigen's eyes. "I took this from your pocket."  
  
Jigen cursed and aimed the rifle at the fat guy.   
  
Lupin put the photograph face down and became interested in chewing on his hangnail. The sky was somewhere between day and night. He looked up at the sky wondering where Orion's Belt was.  
  
Jigen pulled the trigger. Through the crosshairs he watched the fat guy collapse. He concealed his rifle in a guitar case, buckled it up, and walked towards the staircase on the roof.  
  
"There it is," Lupin said. He pointed to three stars that were supposed to look like a belt and connected them with his finger.  
  
* * *  
  
"Here's the report, Inspector," said the local police chief. He put a file folder between Zenigata's hands, expecting Zenigata to take it. Instead, the folder fell down on the floor and papers fluttered everywhere.  
  
"I can't bend my fingers," Zenigata said through gritted teeth. "Remember?"  
  
"Now I remember," said the chief. "A nun beat you up."  
  
"WRONG, it was Fujiko Mine and Lupin III," corrected Zenigata. "Grr, Lupin."  
  
The chief stacked the papers together and put them in between Zenigata's hands again. Zenigata clapped his hands together on the papers.   
  
"Thanks chief," said Zenigata. "You, drive me."  
  
A lower-ranked cop jumped up saluting.   
  
The cop drove him to a house that wasn't quite suburban, but not quite metropolitan. Zenigata read through the papers on the way there. He cleared his throat and then walked up to the door. He banged on it with the palm of his hand.  
  
A woman answered the door. She was wearing a blouse. She had a miniskirt on. Her hair was light brown and cut short and bouncy. It had blonde highlights from the sun.  
  
"Good evening...?" said the woman. "Is something wrong?"   
  
"I have some bad news for you..."  
  
"What is it, what's wrong? Is it--is it my husband?"   
  
Zenigata nodded slowly.  
  
* * *  
  
The woman opened her window and Jigen slid inside, falling on the carpet of her bedroom floor. He spit fluffy white carpeting out of his mouth.  
  
"What are you doing here?" the woman said. Jigen stood up and brushed fluffy white carpet off of his black suit. The woman helped him brush off the pieces. She stopped brushing and let her hand rest on his chest. She shyly kissed him on the mouth.  
  
Jigen's eyes bugged out in shock. Then he closed his eyes and enjoyed the kiss. Then, he changed his mind and pushed the woman off of him and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.  
  
The woman pouted while Jigen thrust several hundred dollar bills under her nose.  
  
"What?" said the woman. "That's yours. You did it. Mission accomplished. That cop came here and told me. He didn't know it was you who did it, of course, but he was like"--(she assumed an authoritative voice)--"'I have some BAAAAAAAAAAAD news for you.'"  
  
Jigen grabbed her wrist, opened her hand, and forcefully closed her fingers around the cash. Then he started to climb out the window but the woman grabbed onto his belt from behind.  
  
Jigen unbuckled his belt, slid out of his pants, then jumped out the window and ran away in his boxers.  
  
The puzzled looking woman held his pants in her hands. Her lower lip trembled.  
  
She felt something heavy in the back pocket. She sniffled and pulled it out.  
  
It was his wallet. 


End file.
